I love you

Recently someone declared their love to me and that started a whole chain reaction of thoughts. ‘What does this really mean?’ especially as I knew they were not really serious about their words or if they thought they were, they simply didn’t know the weight of them. Or perhaps the weight what these words meant to carry I should say. I am not here to talk about careless statements, that is a subject for another day and why people say what they say. However, here is me trying to analyse what is it meant to mean to tell someone that you love them. There are many writings on the subject and we all have experienced the emotions of love, when the butterflies fill your stomach and suddenly life turns into rose smelling pinkish fluff. This is all nice and good, but taking all the emotions out of it, what is the message that should stand the test of time and outlast the initial fluff that comes with it. For me, loving someone means that you see them and accept them as they are, believing the goodness of their heart without questioning their intentions. It doesn’t mean you turn a blind eye to the faults, you see the warts and accept them too as part of the person, supporting them to any work they do to heal. It means putting their needs before your own within reason and being there, noticing the subtle changes in energy and being sensitive to them. It is also a commitment to allow them access to you, choosing to be open, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and honest with them. After all, if somebody loves you, they accept you, right? Therefore it should be perfectly fine to be you with warts and everything... I think love is just beautiful – we all crave meaningful connections in our lives and go great lengths to find ‘the one’ who is suppose to accept us the way we are and love us unconditionally. Well... some just looking for fun and that is ok too, but not a subject of this thought. 

Anyway, since we all have our fears (or shadows as i like to call them) we are terrified to be seen as vulnerable or weak in any way, especially by people who suppose to love us. After all, if they know who we are, how weak and needy, they may stop loving us, but love we need! We want to be loved so bad, we need to feel loved to feel whole. It is addictive and we are not willing to let go of our drugs! So, we put up a strong face and hide our true selves and broken pieces need of healing. Then we build expectation based on our needs and lash out when these are not met. Is this more like a reality? This on the other hand makes us hard to love – so we want love but we make it hard for people to love us. All the while we hurt inside for not being understood, for not being accepted... busy building strong walls around us to protect what is hidden inside. Why is it so scary to truly love and allow others to love you?! Why is there so much dishonesty around these words? Is this the root of our pain and vulnerability? Something we all want but don’t know how to get or give or worse, not know what it even means. Somehow we still looking for it, creating complicated charts to measure up potential candidates, evaluating their worthiness of our love, never being sure if we made the right turn as there may be something else around the corner. As a result it is hard to trust anyone’s sincerity of these beautiful words ‘I love you’. Screwed up, isn’t it!

            I recently went through a breakup of a kind... I like (and choose) to believe that the relationship was built on true love. I know that I myself had an open heart and trusted the same in return, I felt it. It is beautiful experience to allow love to flow, to be yourself and not be judged for it. It is a healing journey, it is a self discovery and a magical path to allow yourself to feel fearlessly. I didn’t turn a blind eye to his faults, I simply did not see them. Not everything was perfect, but somehow even the shadow parts were ok as they were served in this beautiful sweet smelling bouquet. Beautiful friendship that ended in unfortunate circumstances that I couldn’t help. Another 3 words ‘I am sorry’ delivered an end to this story leaving me looking for truth about love and life and human emotions and how complicated it all is if we are not true to ourselves. In this place I can say that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all... and leave it at that. 

However, all that said and done, I have since made a commitment to allow myself be who I am - feel hurt when this is what I am and express it when it comes up, be vulnerable if that is my truth and always say ‘I love you’ considering the weight and promise these words carry.  After all... life is beautiful with all its ups and downs and I want to be an ambassador of love...